Kerry Washington's New Book On Her Panic Attacks At 7
Aug 10, 2023 13:32:08 GMT -4
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Post by Admin on Aug 10, 2023 13:32:08 GMT -4
Kerry Washington Opens Up About Suffering Horrific Panic Attacks At Age 7: ‘I Couldn’t Make It Stop’
Kerry Washington speaks candidly about suffering from panic attacks at age just 7 in her upcoming memoir Thicker Than Water.
In an excerpt shared by Oprah Daily on Wednesday, the “Scandal” star recalled how she “developed panic attacks at night” after hearing her parents constantly argue.
Washington wrote of the attacks, “They manifested first as a rhythm of anxiety that encircled my brain, then evolved into a rapid pulsing, a whirling frenzy of metallic thumps, like those nauseating old spinning rides at a county fair.
“This was not just a feeling. It was a sound, an internal beat, or series of beats, though they didn’t equate to music. It was the sound of terror, wholly unnatural and unconnected to the rhythms of my heart.
“I was dizzied with terror, no ground beneath me; it was crazy-making, endless. And sad,” she went on. “There was something so sad about the rhythm. And I couldn’t make it stop. I couldn’t sleep. It was as though the alarms within me had been triggered and there was no turning them off,” stating that she was just 7 years old at the time.
Although Washington pointed out that didn’t have an attack “every single night,” she “trembled at the possibility of it” even when her parents weren’t arguing.
“Lying in bed, I would race to fall asleep before the sounds would leak from my bones. I would force myself to try to have ‘good’ thoughts,” she wrote.
“I hated that the rhythm came from within me,” Washington shared.
“I hated that my own brain was not to be trusted. If I lost the race to sleep and got caught by the rhythm, I had no tools to escape it, no way of controlling my own brain as it conspired against me.”
Washington insisted she “tried everything to avoid it,” including things like singing and reciting poetry, claiming that she would “do anything I could think of to simply turn my brain off.”
The actress recalled, “But it would take hold in my fascia, then work outward through my muscles and tendons.
“Sometimes, I would rock my body back and forth, vibrating, rattling, trying to drown out the pulsing noise and regain control of my body. Sometimes I would put my head under a pillow, trying to ignore the fact that the torture was coming from within me.
“But only exhaustion would override the rhythm, lulling me to the dream state beyond my fears.
“I would fight the haunting rhythm as it rose in me, often having to compete with my parents’ fights in the next room. If my inner rhythm won, I was tortured by the tempo of my own obsessive brain; if my parents’ arguing won, I was trapped by fear.”
Washington wrote that one night it all got too much and she interrupted one of her parents’ fights, adding that she eventually became “more private and withdrawn.”
“I resolved to stay in my room at night while the dreaded internal pulse of the rhythm terrorized me to sleep,” she explained in the book, adding that “my mind and body became the enemy; I was trapped within them.”
Washington said she “tucked away the fear and started to develop a role, a character that would stay with me: The good girl. The perfect child. The solution” with the dream that “my goodness could inspire a renewed tenderness between them, which would in turn create more emotional security for me, something that I so desperately needed.”
Thicker Than Water is set to be released on Sept. 26.
Kerry Washington speaks candidly about suffering from panic attacks at age just 7 in her upcoming memoir Thicker Than Water.
In an excerpt shared by Oprah Daily on Wednesday, the “Scandal” star recalled how she “developed panic attacks at night” after hearing her parents constantly argue.
Washington wrote of the attacks, “They manifested first as a rhythm of anxiety that encircled my brain, then evolved into a rapid pulsing, a whirling frenzy of metallic thumps, like those nauseating old spinning rides at a county fair.
“This was not just a feeling. It was a sound, an internal beat, or series of beats, though they didn’t equate to music. It was the sound of terror, wholly unnatural and unconnected to the rhythms of my heart.
“I was dizzied with terror, no ground beneath me; it was crazy-making, endless. And sad,” she went on. “There was something so sad about the rhythm. And I couldn’t make it stop. I couldn’t sleep. It was as though the alarms within me had been triggered and there was no turning them off,” stating that she was just 7 years old at the time.
Although Washington pointed out that didn’t have an attack “every single night,” she “trembled at the possibility of it” even when her parents weren’t arguing.
“Lying in bed, I would race to fall asleep before the sounds would leak from my bones. I would force myself to try to have ‘good’ thoughts,” she wrote.
“I hated that the rhythm came from within me,” Washington shared.
“I hated that my own brain was not to be trusted. If I lost the race to sleep and got caught by the rhythm, I had no tools to escape it, no way of controlling my own brain as it conspired against me.”
Washington insisted she “tried everything to avoid it,” including things like singing and reciting poetry, claiming that she would “do anything I could think of to simply turn my brain off.”
The actress recalled, “But it would take hold in my fascia, then work outward through my muscles and tendons.
“Sometimes, I would rock my body back and forth, vibrating, rattling, trying to drown out the pulsing noise and regain control of my body. Sometimes I would put my head under a pillow, trying to ignore the fact that the torture was coming from within me.
“But only exhaustion would override the rhythm, lulling me to the dream state beyond my fears.
“I would fight the haunting rhythm as it rose in me, often having to compete with my parents’ fights in the next room. If my inner rhythm won, I was tortured by the tempo of my own obsessive brain; if my parents’ arguing won, I was trapped by fear.”
Washington wrote that one night it all got too much and she interrupted one of her parents’ fights, adding that she eventually became “more private and withdrawn.”
“I resolved to stay in my room at night while the dreaded internal pulse of the rhythm terrorized me to sleep,” she explained in the book, adding that “my mind and body became the enemy; I was trapped within them.”
Washington said she “tucked away the fear and started to develop a role, a character that would stay with me: The good girl. The perfect child. The solution” with the dream that “my goodness could inspire a renewed tenderness between them, which would in turn create more emotional security for me, something that I so desperately needed.”
Thicker Than Water is set to be released on Sept. 26.
